The Worst Movie I’ve Ever Seen…

badcowork_introWith the backlash and outrage aimed at mother! this past weekend, my wife casually asked me, “What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?” As a movie critic, I was surprised at how I didn’t really have an answer to this question at the ready. I generally try to only see movies that I hope I’ll like, and while I am occasionally disappointed, I usually can find some aspect that salvages the experience from being completely worthless. However, her question prompted me to delve into my cinematic history, parse through the depths, and once and for all recognize one film as the worst one I’ve ever seen.

Now I want to be clear, since I try to avoid the bad ones, I have not seen classically hated movies like Gigli, Troll 2, or Battlefield Earth, so they cannot be the worst movie I’ve seen. Still, I’ve seen a lot of movies, and like any serious undertaking, this decision requires some preparation and a few ground rules. Obviously, when discussing any medium of art and expression, the overall reaction is entirely subjective. Therefore, I need to determine what it is to me that makes a movie terrible. After racking my brain, I’ve determined that the following 4 factors are critical in determining a film’s lack of value.

  1. Story – If the story is contrived, poorly written, implausible, or a combination of these things, then the movie is in trouble. A great story can salvage bad acting, but bad acting cannot save a bad story. Writing and originality factor into this piece of criteria as well.
  2. Acting – Yes, acting does play a major role in determining a movie’s greatness. So much of how we interact, empathize, and respond to a movie has to do with how we project our values and opinions onto the people playing the parts.
  3. Dullness – This is perhaps the most important factor of all. Movies can be good-bad or bad-bad. The difference has to do with dullness. If a movie is dull with poor pacing and extended periods of just nothing going on, then the movie is doomed. Many interior sub-areas influence this category including music, directing and editing.
  4. Technical – Sometimes a bad movie can be saved by its technical achievements or visual aspect. Additionally, sometimes a good movie can be mired in terrible technical blunders, mistakes, and shortcomings. And worst of all, sometimes a bad move can be made dreadful when the technical pieces put the last nail in the coffin.

Additionally, there are a few movies that I hated so much that I turned them off or walked out on them. Ironically, those films will not be considered in my deliberation since I never saw them in their entirety. For the record, this is a rare occurrence with me, as I prefer to see films through regardless of how bad they are, and the films I turned off or walked out on would likely not have displaced my ultimate choice for worst movie I ever saw.

Now that I have my criteria in place, I am ready to reveal the worst movie I’ve ever seen; however, if you know The People’s Critic, then you know I can’t do this without making it a list. So I give to you, The People’s Critic’s Five Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen (by the way, I’ve seen mother! and it’s nowhere near this list).

5.  A Good Day to Die Hard

Die HardSo what went wrong? First of all, no more catch phrases or cliches. “Yippee Ki-Yay” is grandfathered in, but now we’re reminded that John McClane is “old” and “on vacation” at least ten times. This repetition serves no purpose except to go for a cheap laugh, but you’ll never hear the laughter over most of the theater slapping their hands to their foreheads in disgust. Furthermore, this installment takes place in Russia. In one scene, John is handed a tour book by his daughter, Idiot’s Guide to Russia. Clearly, it was the same book Skip Woods used to write the screenplay because the film exposes Russia’s traffic issues, introduces characters named Viktor, Yuri, and Anton, and its climax seals the cliché deal by taking place at Chernobyl. Oh, did I mention Yuri is introduced playing chess, so we know he’s a smart Russian? Disappointing stuff.

Then there’s the action. Atrocious sound stage garbage. Action confined in one setting for ten minutes with no real danger becomes dull in 30 seconds. The previous four films did not feel so confined to sound-stages as this one does (even though the first two had McClane trapped in a building and an airport respectively), and it ruins any tension or fun.

Finally, if one wants to make a sequel, then make a sequel. What happened to Bonnie Bedelia as McClane’s now ex-wife, Holly? Where’s good ole’ Reginald VelJohnson as Sgt. Powell? Why introduce all of those fun tech-geeks in Live Free or Die Hard only to strand them in that film? Screenwriters, listen up; these character actors will sign up if the story is there!

4.  Only God Forgives

Only God ForgivesNot a lot happens in Only God Forgives as several scenes are composed of people just moving around, albeit moving around slowly and deliberately.  Many scenes are composed of one-shots (one character in the frame) that last 30 seconds or more!  This results in manufacturing the slowest 89 minute film in recent memory.

There is not much good to be said for the film.  Ryan Gosling is practically emotionless, giving the blandest performance of his career, although clearly steered by director, Nicholas Winding Refn.

Winding Refn’s directorial choices are certainly strange from time to time.  With virtually no exposition, his film complicates matters by introducing confusing segments of “dream-like” scenarios (most of which include red dragon wallpaper) that may or may not be real. Furthermore, a major talking point for this film is its use of violence.  Only God Forgives appears to be an instrument for Winding Refn to release his own personal anger against spirituality, against God, against mothers – it’s an angry film.  Much of this anger manifests as violence and while occasionally off screen, two rather brutal scenes do not hold back. These scenes drip of anger but offer little redeeming quality (See No Country for Old Men for a film that accomplishes the task of personifying wrath).

Only God Forgives is a mostly failed attempt at expounding on the undertakings of an angry God.  Instead of making a film that analyzes and examines anger, he has made one that simply exudes his own.

3.  Savages

savaIs Savages pulp? Yes. Is Savages fiction? Oh God I hope so. But Savages is definitely not Pulp Fiction, despite its desperate attempt to be, including casting John Travolta. Savages is a gritty, hard-core examination of the cut-throat high pressure, high stakes game of marijuana cartels. Wait, what? Marijuana cartels? Oliver Stone crafts a screenplay, with help from Don Winslow who penned the source material, that does explain this unorthodox cartel’s extremely violent nature. The story is actually very simple. Young marijuana entrepreneurs gain the attention of a major drug cartel who kidnaps their shared girlfriend in order to force their hand to deal with them. Those entrepreneurs are played by Taylor Kitsch and Aaron Johnson. The shared girlfriend who drags her nails across the chalkboard with flat acting and dreadful voiceover is played lumberingly by Blake Lively. Why they want her back is the film’s biggest mystery. Her character, O, is named after Hamlet’s deranged, suicidal lost love and she hints from the first line of the movie that she may not be alive at the end, providing some powerful wishful thinking. The biggest problem with Savages is the same with most Oliver Stone movies that don’t work, its agenda. Now, this time there is no political agenda; instead it’s a “look how edgy I am” agenda. This agenda is completely fulfilled by putting the viewers out of their misery with one of the worst endings in recent memory.

I could go on about what doesn’t work in this movie, but I feel the point is made. Instead, I’ll quickly mention the things that do work. Benicio Del Toro’s character is introduced with brutal gusto. Also, the film is mostly in focus, even during the ridiculous number of close ups. That’s about it.

2.  Freddy Got Fingered

Freddy90s “comedian” Tom Green wrote and directed this mess, and I fell for it. I was 20 or 21 and Tom Green was kind of still happening, so I went to see it with some friends. Green was known for being a bit of a stunt comedian where he’d play pranks on unsuspecting people. Not bad, not great. However, as his popularity grew, his stunts became more gross-out related; queue Freddy Got Fingered, which demonstrates the rule that when gross-out goes wrong, it goes way, way wrong. Pink Flamingos, There’s Something About Mary, South Park, these films work on a subversive level, but Tom Green went for derivative and there he will sit for eternity. There are no words for the feeling you experience while watching the protagonist of a major studio film cackle wildly while manually stimulating a male elephant. No words. I hated this movie to the point that for a moment when my wife asked me what the worst movie I’ve ever seen was, this sprang to mind and I almost answered definitively, but it did manage to only reach #2. Which is actually perfect in that it achieves nothing, not even the distinction of being the worst.

1.  Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

PepperNumber one on this list nearly lost its spot on a technicality, in that this was a film I had previously turned off in disgust, only to reluctantly return to and finish just to say I did it. This film is the ultimate disaster and personal retribution because not only is it a dull, pointless, poorly acted pile of trash, it also does irreversible damage to my previously untarnished images of The Beatles, Alice Cooper, Billy Preston, Peter Frampton, and Steve Martin (The Bee Gees were already kind of ridiculous to me). And that’s what put it over the edge; none of the previous films caused any real long-term damage like this one did. Why did this movie have to happen?

The movie is basically an incomprehensible variety show hoping to capitalize on Beatles covers but failing and collapsing into a gestating puddle of embarrassment and technical misery. I’m pretty sure director Michael Schultz literally put the camera on a tripod, hit record, and just left. I know that sounds like a hyperbole, but if you watch it, you’ll see what I mean – and this is a “concert film,” but the camera doesn’t do anything!

This movie commits the ultimate shame of masquerading a business deal as a film and hoodwinking young people to pay into it. Now it rightfully is dejected as the horrendous dumpster fire that it is, but it did do one thing for me; it gave me a definitive answer to my wife’s question (although I wish it had a different title, so I wouldn’t have to be so specific):

What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?

Why, it’s Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – the 1978 movie, not the album. The album is a masterpiece; the movie is complete and utter garbage!

What do you think? What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? I’d love to know! Feel free to Tweet me @Peoples_Critic or respond in the comments.

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Wonder Woman (2017)

wwDirector: Patty Jenkins

Screenwriter: Allen Heinberg

Cast: Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, Connie Nielsen, Robin Wright, Danny Huston, and David Thewlis

It was inevitable that some movie in the Detective Comics Extended Universe would eventually get it right. It wasn’t Man of Steel, it wasn’t Batman v. Superman, and it definitely wasn’t Suicide Squad. Did I think it would be Wonder Woman? No, but it was. Regardless, whatever it was, that particular film would be laden with praise far better than it deserves simply because it’s the film that stopped the DC bleeding. That’s the case with Wonder Woman. A fine film, but not to the degree that its being touted.

We open in modern day with an established Diana (Gal Gadot), working in her office at the Louvre, when she receives a curious brief case courtesy of Wayne Enterprises. Within is the original photo of the image Wayne (Ben Affleck) uncovered of Diana and a group of soldiers posing for a picture in war-torn Belgium mid World War II. With the photo, Wayne enclosed a note hoping to be able to sit down and hear the story that lead to this photo someday. Fortunately for us, that day is today, as the film flashes back to the War-era 1940s on a mysterious Mediterranean island populated with god-like Amazon women training as warriors.

The isolated island is hidden from all other people of Earth and is so protected that all inhabitants are unaware of the World War going on around them. Diana, now a child runs through the training areas, locking eyes with Antiope (Robin Wright), General to the warriors who seems to see some potential in young Diana that her sister, Diana’s mother, Hippolyta (Connie Nielsen) seems to be ignoring. While Hippolyta’s goal is to protect her daughter, the fact has not escaped Diana that she is the only child on the island and it is clear Hippolyta and Antiope know why, and it has something to do with the why their mysterious island remains hidden from the world of man. Diana, however sides with Hippolyta on the matter and eventually Antiope agrees to allow her sister to train Diana on the condition that she train her harder than any warier she’d ever trained previously.

The world of man does not stay hidden for long, however. Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) American CIA agent working for British intelligence posing as a Nazi crashes his plane and Diana, now grown, witnesses it and rushes to his rescue. What she doesn’t know is that Trevor is being pursued by the Germans and by rescuing Trevor, she leads the Germans right to her home. The ensuing battle between her Amazon warrior race and the pursuing Nazis introduces her to the conflict in the outside world, and with Trevor, she decides to leave home to fight a war to end all wars, discovering her full powers and true destiny.

There’s actually quite a bit to this movie, not in terms of complication, but in terms of its reach; think Captain America meets Thor meets Elf. In the end, Wonder Woman is more successful at what it represents than of what it actually is. As I mentioned in my opening, the first DC movie to strike a chord with audiences and critics will receive enhanced accolades. Wonder Woman represents a change in course. It is funny, heartfelt, romantic, and exciting. None of these adjectives can be used to describe the previous DCEU films. Furthermore, this disconnectedness in tone is further illustrated  by the film’s execution. This is a stand-alone film in every way. There are no pandering cameos or obvious Easter egg plot points to lessen the film’s impact. Wonder Woman strikes out to sink or swim on its own, and for the most part it swims just fine.

That’s not to say the film is not without its faults. There is a fairly forced thread involving the origin of Wonder Woman and her immortal Olympian ancestry, which paves the way for at least one too many villains for me. Villainy should have started and stopped with Elena Anaya’s haunting performance as Dr. “Poison” Maru. Furthermore, I have a little qualm with the film’s supposed message in combination with the history it presents, or shall I say decides not to present. I won’t say more, but it’s hard to ignore a certain historic event that does not play out in this film, which would certainly complicate its overall theme.

And then there’s the costume reveal, which came off kind of hokey, in my opinion. I costumeknow it’s a big deal, and I know it needs to happen in a big way, but as Diana trekked across “no man’s land” in her Stars and Stripes Amazon armor in slow motion, I was lost in in an female objectified patriotic feminist paradox! Later I would read that director Patty Jenkins did not change or reshoot a single scene for this film…except for this one. Which makes me wonder, what was it like before reshooting?

Still, this is an almost entirely satisfying, fresh, and enjoyable summer blockbuster.  The two main stars, Pine and Gadot, are terrific together, and finding Gadot for this role is an absolute miracle. She embodies the nearly 80 year history of the character brilliantly and will serve the character greatly in her various appearances in other DC films. Wonder Woman, while flawed, is a good time at the movies, which is all anyone is really hoping for in her next film as the Amazing Amazon, this fall’s Justice League, slated for November 17th. B+

Wonder Woman is rated PG-13 and has a running time of 2 hours and 21 minutes.

 

Designing Women

GTY-Jessica-Chastain-ml-170530_12x5_1600If you’ve been following the film festival circuit, you no doubt have heard the fascinating observation from Cannes Film Festival jury member, Jessica Chastain about the current role of women in films. If you are unfamiliar with Chastain’s comments, the basic gist is that it is uncommon to find a female character whose main motivation is not simply reacting to what the male characters do. This complaint is not unfamiliar territory for Hollywood; however, Cannes is a renowned international film festival. In fact, most of the films that screen there are not from American filmmakers. Additionally, many of these films do not even get distribution in the United States, including the winning films.  My point being, the inferiority of women’s roles in film is often attributed to the American film industry, but Chastain’s comments open the conversation to a global stage.

What makes Chastain’s words ring even more true than most is the genuine way she presented herself. She introduced herself as someone who loves movies, and then discussed the unique experience of viewing 20 movies in 10 days, which is the process for the Cannes jury members. Having that broad and expansive experience allowed Chastain to make a relevant and sustained observation that with few exceptions, women in film are “mostly passive and empty shells of characters,” rather than resembling any woman she’d encountered in real life.

And, to put an even finer point on things, all of this occurred on the eve of the release of the American film Baywatch, a film supposedly all about the women starring two men, Zac Efron and Dwayne Johnson, and some women presumably – I don’t believe the trailer or promotional posters gave any names of the female stars.

Speaking of Johnson, just to prove I am not simply a bandwagon feminist, please take my review of another of his films, San Andreas, a film I enjoyed actually, but contained plenty of blatant and institutional misogyny…and also raked in $474 million globally.

Here’s the interesting thing though. Money is not necessarily where the sexism is. As I mentioned, the Cannes Film Festival is not the destination for films that generally rake in the box office dollars. Cannes is more of a home for the prestige pictures that hope to play in awards circuits. In many cases, these films represent a more accurate picture of how artists see the real world. Blockbuster films present, in many cases, a fantasy that can and often does include well-developed female characters.

Top grossing film of each of the past three years:Rey-Star-Wars-Rogue-One-mother

2015: Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (female protagonist, Disney)

2016: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (female protagonist, Disney)

2017: Likely to be a battle between Beauty and the Beast (female protagonist), Wonder Woman (female protagonist), Star Wars Episode VIII – The Last Jedi (female protagonist) – Disney, Warner Brothers, Disney.

Best Picture for each of the past three years:

2014: Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (male protagonist fighting with another male who wants to be the true protagonist)

2015: Spotlight (a bunch of male protagonists uncovering criminal conspiracy of men molesting boys)

2016: Moonlight (three separate actors portraying one male protagonist)

So what does all of this mean? It means that as an art form, the studios, auteurs, actors, writers, and directors who are responsible for the underlying reputation of the business are compelled to depict the stories that matter most to our culture from an overwhelmingly male perspective. It’s not that these artists or the system is sexist, but rather the society of which they wish to reflect is.

Fortunately, the art that imitates life has an impact and the response from Jessica Chastain is evident of this. As our Cineplex’s continue bombard us with the traditional summer fare, take notice of the entertainment the film industry thinks we want to see and how the stories are portrayed. More importantly, after the blockbuster season, be aware of the films that are selected as the year’s best and think about if they represent the society and culture you want to live in!

 

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

gogDirector: James Gunn

Screenwriter: James Gunn

Cast: Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Vin Diesel, Bradley Cooper, Michael Rooker, Kurt Russell…Sylvester Stallone?

Well I feel both sorry and a little validated to report that on the topic of guardians who are of a said galaxy, I told you so. These films are bloated, overrated, and in the case of the second volume, boring.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, opens with our heroes banding together to protect the galaxy from some massive, disgusting, toothy intergalactic creature. It’s a battle. Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) strikes first and is quickly thwarted, Gamora (Zoe Saldana) is next, but her speed is no match. Rocket fires his blaster at will, but his blasts don’t penetrate the creature’s skin. Drax (Dave Bautista) determines, he will attack the creature from within and leaps down its throat. What follows is difficult to decipher. Not because of confusing filmmaking, but because the focus shifts to Baby Groot (Vin Diesel) dancing and narrowly avoiding blasts, shrapnel, and slimy tentacles whilst dancing to ELO’s “Mr. Blue Sky.” All of the fighting remains blurry background action. This is a funny, clever scene. This also marks the high-water mark of the film, and it’s downhill from here.

Spoiler alert (not really), the mighty foe is vanquished, and the guardians bask in the glory of victory, accepting possession of Gamora’s sister, Nebula (Karen Killan) as reward from a group of golden skinned beings known as the Sovereign race. That is until Rocket pockets a few valuable batteries from the Sovereigns, causing them to pursue the guardians in an epic space chase culminating in the fortuitous arrival of Quill’s father, Ego (Kurt Russell).

This sets the table for Volume 2 where Quill is forced to face and reconcile the deep-rooted feelings about his father’s seeming abandonment of him and his mother. There is much to discuss about Ego, but it would tread into spoiler territory, so I’ll simply say that Ego’s name is not misplaced.

As I mentioned in the opening of this review, this film does not improve on its already humdrum predecessor.  Like all the worst sequels, the filmmakers looked at what made the first film successful and just poured more of that on, with no regard for congruity. This time the soundtrack is no longer accompanying the film. In the first film, the soundtrack was a device to set a tone for the film. This time, it’s forcefully shoved into our face and ears to the point that the damn songs are actually plot devices. In one scene, Kurt Russell takes the time to give us a Master class on the lyrics of Looking Glass’s “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl).” Also, Gunn and company crowbar the romantic subplot in there in such a haphazard way, I almost thought it was an attempt at being Meta. Quill refers to the romantic tension between Gamora and himself as an “unspoken thing,” so I thought perhaps this self-reference to a “will they or won’t they?” thing might go somewhere interesting. Instead, it simply becomes demonstrative of the same thing that a Meta version would condemn. This is not satire. This is not irony. This is just soap opera scriptwriting.

My only concern before seeing this movie was Baby Groot. I was worried about the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Teaser
James Gunn (screen grab) CR: Marvelproblematic nature of this “cutesy”, silly, obvious merchandising stunt, but Baby Groot ended up being the strongest quality of the film in the same way that “Adult Groot” was the heart and strength of the first film.  Additionally, as with all Marvel movies, Dr. Strange included, there are other elements of this film that do work. The world is expanded with this film to include some new characters including Mantis (Pom Klementieff), the aforementioned Ego, and a bazaar turn from Sylvester Stallone as Ravager leader Stakar Ogord. These characters are introduced and developed to various degrees in effective ways. Michael Rooker also returns as Yondu to positive effect, and I do get a kick out of Bautista’s dry, honest portrayal of Drax.

Still this is a dimmer, starker Guardians film. Humor is downplayed, and Volume 2 comes off angrier than the first one. I am looking forward to these characters’ appearances in the Avengers: Infinity Wars films, as I think they will benefit from less screen time. Still, Volume 3 is already green lit and slated to be released in 2020 kicking off phase 4 of the MCU, so apparently my opinion of the greatness of this franchise is off the mark. C+

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is rated PG-13 and has a running time of 2 hours and 16 minutes. There are also several stinger scenes sprinkled throughout the credits and one after the credits as well.

The People’s Critic’s Top Ten Movies About Movies

ed-wood-1Ok, I’m back. I know you’ve all been wondering, where is The People’s Critic? How am I supposed to know how to feel about the latest movies 2 or 3 weeks after they are released?

We just moved into a new house, and for the first time ever The People’s Critic did not see a new movie during an entire calendar month! I know! It’s a travesty. I’m afraid the drought continues, but don’t fret as I have put together a list that will hopefully hold you over until I get a chance to review Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, weeks after you’ve all seen it.

The People’s Critic’s Top Ten Movies About Movies

This one probably requires some explaining. So you know in Hamlet when Hamlet convinces the actors who visit the castle to put on a play for King Claudius, thereby enacting a play that is taking place within another play. Well for this list, I will be counting down the best movies that have other movies in them. Some of these are just movies about the movies, but others are movies wherein other movies are featured. As a rule, I avoided documentaries for this list, so not to complicate things too much, so you will not see Lost in La Mancha or Heart of Darkness on here, even though they are technically great movies about movies.

Cape_fear_9110. Cape Fear (1991) – You can argue with me all you want that this one doesn’t really fit the category, but think about the most memorable scene from this film. What is it? Exactly, it’s the one where Robert De Niro as Max Cady attends a screening of the film Problem Child, lights up that cigar, and laughs audaciously through the scene where John Ritter trashes Junior’s room while Nick Nolte, Jessica Lange, and Juliette Lewis get annoyed. Also, this film being a remake of a 1962 film sort of makes it a movie about a movie anyway!

Get_shorty9. Get ShortyGet Shorty is one of my favorite movies from the mid-late 90s. The cast is excellent and the dialogue adapted from the Elmore Leonard novel of the same name is hysterical. John Travolta plays Chili Palmer, a mobster who gets wound up in the movie business whilst collecting on a debt. His exploits in trying to shake down movie director Harry Zimm, played by Gene Hackman, reveal that there’s not a big difference between the movie business and organized crime.

8-12-movie-poster-1963-10104617938. 8 ½ – Fellini’s classic is also an inspiration to so many film makers to come, and it appropriately falls around 8 ½ on my list. This film, autobiographical in nature, tells the story of a film director who has lost his inspiration while in the middle of making a movie. His quest for motivation leads him down the path of reflection. Equal parts narcissism and honesty, the trials and tribulations of film making are brilliantly explored.

mulholland_drive_ver17. Mulholland Drive – A spellbinding puzzle of a movie! This is one that requires multiple viewings, and each time it’s seen, the experience is richer. On the surface, Mulholland Drive appears to be a simple story about a Hollywood hopeful discovering the price of her dreams, but it quickly becomes much more than that. What’s real and what’s imagined is for you to decide.

living-in-oblivion-movie-poster-1994-10202008946. Living in Oblivion – Now let’s move to something a bit more obscure. Living in Oblivion was one of those movies I discovered one day while working in a video store (remember those?), and I made it my duty to recommend it and force people to see it because I thought it was so funny, insightful, and clever. Obviously, I failed because no one knows this movie. Living in Oblivion stars Steve Buscemi in one of his last roles before blowing up in the Coen Brothers’ film Fargo. Buscemi plays Nick, a director of a low budget indie film, and the film portrays one day in the life of an indie film production. This film was also my introduction to Peter Dinklage, Catherine Keener, and Dermot Mulroney. I had already been acquainted with James Le Gros.

boogie_nights_ver15. Boogie Nights – May not be about the kind of movies you were expecting, but Boogie Nights is no doubt a movie about movies. Boogie Nights put director Paul Thomas Anderson on the map, and it also legitimized the talents of Funky Bunch leader turned actor, Mark Wahlberg. Wahlberg plays Eddie later to be known as Dirk Diggler, a young go-getter who gets more than his go as he is lured into the adult film world. Who knew a film about the 1970s adult film world would be so intense?

Ed_Wood_film_poster4. Ed Wood – Landau as Lugosi. That’s all you need to know. Tim Burton’s biopic about the troubled movie director Ed Wood is nostalgic and campy, but it is also a love letter to the cinema. Watch that scene where Wood meets Orson Welles (played by Vincent D’Onofrio) at a restaurant looking for advice. Fantastic! We are also reminded of how great Johnny Depp was, on the eve of his latest release, Pirates of the Caribbean 5.

the-player-poster3. The Player – Robert Altman was a visionary film director responsible for some of the greatest most celebrated films of all time including M*A*S*H, Nashville, Short Cuts, and of course 1992’s The Player. Everything I know about pitching a movie, I learned from The Player: “It’s a psychic, political, thriller comedy with a heart.” Anyway, The Player opens with a self-aggrandized single tracking shot of Tim Robbins as Griffin Mill, a studio executive in charge of accepting and rejecting scripts. When death threats start coming in from a screenwriter Mill rejected, things get a little out of hand. Oddly enough, this film references Scorsese’s Cape Fear and has Vincent D’Onofrio in it, so this is a movie about movies that features other movies from my list of movies about movies.

purple_rose_of_cairo2. The Purple Rose of Cairo – Allen has made quite a few movies about movies actually including Stardust Memories, Hollywood Ending, and Deconstructing Harry, among many others; however, this one easily tops the list, and nearly tops mine as well! In Depression Era New York, Mia Farrow plays a lonely, poor housewife, whose only respite from reality is the local movie house where she can see glamorous people living glamorous lifestyles. After attending one such film countless times, the film’s protagonist played by Jeff Daniels notices her and literally steps off the screen into the real world! What follows is a comedic masterpiece. This is one of Woody Allen’s best films.

singin1. Singin’ in the Rain – Likely you are unsurprised by this film’s anointment as the number one movie about movies, but that’s because it’s that good. Singin’ in the Rain stars Debbie Reynolds, Gene Kelly, and Donald O’Connor as actors who need to change with the times and move from silent films to talking pictures. There is no way to calculate the number of films inspired by this movie, but that number certainly includes every one of the previous films on this list! The music’s great. The comedy’s great. The conflict and concept is great. Watching this film truly gives you a “glorious feeling.”

Top Five Must See Monster Movies

KongIn this day of comic book movie domination, it is easy to forget that there was a time when the most anticipated movies were the ‘creature features.’ This weekend’s, Kong: Skull Island is the latest in the monster movie tradition, and oddly enough, the mighty Kong will be facing off with veteran comic book character, Logan for the top box office spot this weekend. In celebration of this mega mutant melee, I have assembled The People’s Critic’s Top Five Monster Movies of all time!

 

Tremorsposter5. Tremors – This is camp at its finest! Horror and comedy often intermingle, but rarely are they as balanced and well-executed as in Tremors. Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward find themselves battling giant, underground snake-like creatures that are picking off the natives in a small, isolated town one by one. The creatures are blind, but they can sense even the tiniest vibration or “tremor” on the ground, and that’s when they strike! So light up your canon fuse and tread lightly.

Brideoffrankposter4. The Bride of Frankenstein – Not only the finest of the classic Universal Monster movies, but one of the greatest monster movies ever. The Bride of Frankenstein sees Boris Karloff return as Dr. Frankenstein’s monster. This film follows much more closely to Mary Shelley’s source material than the original 1931 film did. It is also bookended by scenes depicting Mary Shelley, Percy Shelley, and Lord Byron discussing Mary’s yet to be published work, which is a nice touch. The Bride of Frankenstein in many ways legitimizes the monster movie and proves that these types of films can be groundbreaking and masterful.

Fly3. The Fly – David Cronenberg is a master of the disturbing. The Fly is without a doubt in the running for best monster movie ever. This 1986 remake of the 1958 original pours on the gore, but in a stunning and obsessive way.  Jeff Goldblum believes he has devised a form of teleportation, until something goes wrong…very, very wrong. No doubt inspired by the #4 film on this list, The Fly explores scientific possibility and the careful line that is so easily crossed when intellect clashes with morality.

Jurassic_Park_poster2. Jurassic Park – It’s a double Goldblum creature feature. That’s right, Goldblum is back again, this time as a chaos mathematician who could easily be the son of Brundlefly! If Goldblum’s character Seth Brundle from The Fly was able to do it all over again, he might end up being a lot like Dr. Ian Malcolm who skeptically agrees to evaluate John Hammond’s dinosaur amusement park, Jurassic Park. His line, “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should,” screams The Fly! Anyway, Goldblum aside, Jurassic Park is a real callback to the matinee era. The man versus monster conflict is explored in epic style with outstanding special effects that still hold up. The sequel, The Lost World, while inferior to this film is even more a call back to the monster movies of old, but when it comes to a list of the best, Jurassic Park is the film to see.

01_jaws_main_01. Jaws – Here we are – number one. Surprisingly, the second “Spielberg” movie to make the list. Steven Spielberg’s Jaws invented the summer blockbuster and made everyone “afraid to go into the water.” Full of iconic characters and memorable lines, Jaws is the best monster movie of all time. Like Tremors, Jaws balances terror and humor nicely. However, unlike any film on this list, the monster in this film is only one that really exists today. Everything works in this monster movie from the acting, to the score, to the quotable dialogue.  Jaws is what every subsequent monster movie aspires to be!

The Oscars: The People’s Critic Reacts

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Image credit: Oscars.org

Well, I think we all can agree that journalists who were looking for their headline for the Oscars broadcast were handed a gift at the very end. For those of you under a rock for the past several days, let me briefly summarize the events that unfurled for the Best Picture winner at the 2017 Oscars.

It’s 12:05 am EST; the natives are getting restless, but it’s been a relatively enjoyable Academy Awards show and while La La Land was nominated for a historic 14 awards, it’s sitting with 6 wins with Best Picture being the only award left to announce. Moonlight, a film that had gained steam all season had won Best Supporting Actor and Best Adapted Screenplay, two big wins. Enter Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway to announce the final award. A Bonnie and Clyde reunion! Only this time La La Land was about to get riddled with bullets. If you haven’t seen the awkwardness that is Envelope-gate, you need to see it immediately. Words fail to express the bazaar episode. Still, here’s my best go at it. Everything is running smoothly until Beatty opens the envelope. It’s not clear something’s wrong necessarily, but it looks like Beatty is trying some shtick. He’s delaying, the audience is laughing, Dunaway is jabbing at him in that, “he’s so incorrigible,” kind of way. Several beats pass though as Beatty just stalls and pauses as he stares at the card, and then he shows it to Dunaway, who just blurts out, “La La Land!”

The place erupts. The La La Land producers take the stage, make their speeches, and a

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Image Credit: Oscars.org

decent population of people probably turn off their televisions and go to sleep. However, what happens next is La La Land producer, Jordan Horowitz takes the stage to reveal that there’s been a mistake. It turns out, the accountants for Pricewaterhouse Coopers who handle the envelopes had mistakenly given Warren Beatty an alternative envelope (#alternativefacts) for Best Actress. This explains why he took so long to read the card; he was staring at Emma Stone’s name. When he showed it to Dunaway, likely in order to get her confirmation that something’s gone awry, she just saw La La Land and blurted it out. Once things were sorted out, Beatty grabs the mic to explain why he made the mistake, saying he was not trying to be funny, but the envelope he had said Emma Stone, La La Land. The true winner was Moonlight, and an obviously stunned group of produces for Moonlight take the stage and commence the most awkward and heartbreaking experience of literally taking Oscar statues away from other people who thought they won.

 

Anyway, this whole thing was bad for La La Land, really bad for PWC, great for Moonlight, and really great for viewers! Other than this, The People’s Critic did a fairly good job of calling the winners. La La Land did steal the show with 6 wins, but the 7th was stolen from them when Moonlight was announced as the real Best Picture winner. I correctly predicted 15 of the 24 categories. I went the wrong way on a few of them, but in a night of several upsets, 15 ain’t bad. I was correct in predicting an upset with Lonergan winning over Chazelle for Screenplay, and my biggest lock, Viola Davis, played out as well. Her speech was highly anticipated given her intensity and her role in introducing Meryl Streep for her Cecil B. Demille Award at the Golden Globes. It was a very inspired speech, but I found a little fault in her claim that acting is, “the only profession that celebrates what it means to live a life.” I think there are limitless creative outlets in the professional sphere where people can truly understand the value and enormity of living a life without being paid to read dialogue in front of a camera.  And then there’s that whole exhume the bodies from the graveyard thing. Anyway, that hereby ends my rant on pretentious actors saying pretentious things.

Hacksaw Ridge and Arrival did not come up empty as I had predicted; Arrival won the Sound Editing award and Hacksaw Ridge received Sound Mixing and the impressive Film Editing Oscar! I was correct in predicting Lion to leave empty handed, however. As far as the big ones, I got 5 of the big 6 awards right, and in an alternative universe, I got all 6 correct. Check out  my Awards Spotlight page if you want to see all of the results and all of my predictions.

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Image Credit: cnn.com

I thought Jimmy Kimmel did a fantastic job as host. His monologue was political, satirical, but also on point with the tone of this year’s nominees. I give him a lot of credit for not disappearing after the opening monologue like so many hosts do. He took the stage multiple times throughout the show, made plenty of good jokes, and ran some gags including one where an unsuspecting group of tourists was ushered into the Dolby Theater during the Oscars and suddenly found themselves front and center with Hollywood’s finest. I’m always a sucker for Kimmel’s relentless attacks on Matt Damon, and he did not disappoint there whatsoever.

It was a fun Oscar night, and of course The People’s Critic’s Oscar dinner did not disappoint either, as we rolled out the red carpet for all of the celebrities, and everyone enjoyed some La La Lamb. Take a look at some of the fun!redcarpet